I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the s**t at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! Oh let's just go home. WE'RE ING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW IN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village- ing-idiot!

hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes Nooo, I don't like that one! Yeah well it's just the same as all the others! Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!

[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!

[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-? WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY ING SAID! I hate them lovers! They say stuff like Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday. I don't know! How the does tuesday feel?