Went into a shop and said I'd like to buy a medieval instrument, the assistant replied Lyre?, I said No, I'm telling the truth!

I hate bunting, whoever invented it wants stringing up.

My sister bought me a calculator in the shape of Warwick castle, it's a bit s**t but its tha fort that counts. :)

I've invented a medicine called Milk of Amnesia, it cures constipation and makes you forget all about s**tting yourself

I've made a film about a lorry driver who decorates his truck, it's a bit rubbish but the trailer looks fantastic.

Nurse told me that the biggest problem facing the NHS in the 21 century is Holby City!! ....or she might have said obesity...it was hard to tell, she was eating cake at the time