***My Madness , My Control and My Culture***

I'M A MAD MAN WHO HAS LEARNT CONTROL...

I know; it's not something someone should say about himself. it isn't a sweet thing to call oneself. But d*mn it, I will be brutally honest here. That heading is the truth. I have a screw missing in my head and what I have done is to get a stick, put it into
the hole where the screw has left a
gaping hole and hope it doesn't pop out and make me loose control.

A lot of people are like me, they just don't know it yet. Or maybe they do and they refuse to admit it. Nobody wants to admit he is screwed. Chill, whatever you are afraid to admit or say - I will say them for you. I'm a writer, we have no shame.

Take me for instance, sex makes me feel filthy. Is that even normal? I see boobs, I like them. I see a pretty woman and I like her but the thought of getting intimate with her makes me feel like I'm some kind of sinner who will rot in hell.

Don't tell me it's the right thing to feel. it's blood wrong and I know it!

Lust, Fornication, Sin. Those words are wreaking the holy cr*p out of people. Why can't I give in to nature and oogle at booty. That is the freaking way I was made. You can't keep ringing it into by head that it's a sin.

You see, Nigerian marriages are filled with lots of frigid couples. People that have been told, from birth, that sex is very wrong and this has made them repress their hormones so much that even their spouse's touch springs up guilt.
Don't touch me there, you are my husband but you can't touch me that way. No, it's a sin to enter through there. No, pastor wouldn't like it when he sees us doing this. You can't take your mouth there.

Wrong Wrong Wrong!!

Personally I don't fall in love, I can't fall in love. Whenever I start getting too attracted to a girl I cut off the friendship. Can I help it? No. I am just acting out the way I was programmed. Growing up It was drummed into my head that having a girlfriend was wrong.

Back in secondary school my parents found the love letter my girlfriend then had written to me and
my father had had a heart to heart talk with me - keep off girls, face your books. All those stuffs.
But why?
Can't I face two of them at the same time?

Well, I'm a good son and so I listened to popsy. Now I'm damaged. I can't even fall in love anymore. The other day, just to freak her out, I[ told my mom I wasn't going to get married. At the age of 29 I was just going to get girls pregnant and have them have babies for me. Of course she freaked out.

Looking back, I wonder if I had said that just to freak her out. Or maybe I had meant it - I am not sure anymore. I don't even stay interested in a particular girl for more than a month, so maybe I had meant it. The thought of waking up every single day to the face of one woman makes me cringe. I feel this urge to keep changing channels.

Damaged, Damaged, Damaged.

Don't look at girl's boobs - it's a sin, leave girls for now - chase your life, don't chase girls, girls will ruin you. All these sentences are codes, programming codes. Words that turn us into beasts. Your mom drops into your head that girls are deadly, you believe it and treat them like snakes.
Damage.
Damage
Damage.

With my first girlfriend, I had no intention to kiss her. It was just plain, normal like. Testosterone was there but dammit, I was a scared tennager who didn't even have a place to sh*g if he wanted to - how could I even do her if I wanted to.

I have a female friend who is way damaged than I am. She has a phobia for pregnancy and sex, this is a strong serious freaking irrational fear we talking about here. Chatting with her some nights back she told me she was going through hell in her marriage. You see, she was a virgin before she married. Her parents had drummed it into her head to fear sex. Now whenever her husband comes close to her she automatically shuts down and becomes rigid - goes stiff all over. The man doesn't like it, now she suspects he is cheating.

Damage!...see eh, truth be told! Most tennagers get a girlfriend/ boyfriend from ss2. With the social media revealing far much than it should, Jss3 kids date themselves now. Of course mummy says they shouldn't have a boyfriend, so they do the
boyfriend-girlf riend thing in hiding. The level of pregnancy is now on the increase. Why? Because of hiding things. Where do you hid? - in bedrooms of course. These kids hid away from their parents till they hid into a bedroom and find out that the body reacts somehow at some certain places.

What is the solution? Let's copy Yankee people. You are dating now? Bring your boyfriend/ girlfriend home, we want to meet him. The last thing I will do is to tell my son to keep off girls and face his books. If he can't handle two of them at the same time then how will he handle having a wife and working to provide for his family. I can't DAMAGE him. Let him bring his girlfriend home, I want to meet her and tell her to make sure he cracks his balls if he tries to have sex with her. 17 years old, caman, you know he now notices girls. Make him hid and you won't be able to tell him the implication of sex when he starts considering it.

Why? Because hidden things don't get discovered.