***The Hot Xmas, party with Daddy***


Let me tell you about 'the' one Christmas party with Dad

My Dad was invited to a Christmas party hosted by the Johnsons. High class people, very tush residence. You know these folks who play lawn tennis. Can't remember if it was my first or second Christmas in Enugu. I was all dressed up in my tux. Looking dapper.

My dad turned to me and said, Junior when we get there behave yourself. If you're offered food politely decline unless they insist. You've eaten enough today already.

The decline part shocked me in my mind. I was like decline what? For Christmas party? For what na? Tueeeeh this man fail this one patapata (very much) but I would try to obey him. I nodded my head. My mum had travelled cos her mum wasn't too fine . So I was stuck with Dad.

From the gate of the residence you could just perceive the combos of aromas. I was detecting fried chicken and beef. Every where stew mehn everywhere stew. Tiwa and Wizkid would be proud. But this na setup walahi. If this was temptation and I was supposed to resist and save the world, we'd all be dead. Aswear (honestly) .

The hosts Mr and Mrs Johnson welcomed us. Very beautiful couple who had relocated from the UK. They cooed over how good looking I looked in a tux. I gave them my best smile and added that their home looked beautiful just like them. Mrs Johnson was impressed with my responses and broke one leg of the table.

She beckoned on a girl. Muna give this young man some snacks. I looked at my father. He eyed me. Today we die here I said to myself. I collected the chin-chin that Muna had brought. No atom of declining. Put a couple in my mouth. Very strong but tasted good. I chewed. 'Krom krom krokoto'. The sound was loud gan. Mrs Johnson laughed in delight. Oh your son is adorable.

Did you hear it dad? I'm adorable.

My Dad chuckled. It sounded more like he was choking. I was gleefully chewing away. I mean I couldn't be rude to the hosts especially beautiful Mrs Johnson.

Give him a bottle of Crush. She broke the 2nd leg of the table.

I collected it sharply and gulped down in fifteen seconds. The woman squealed in delight. Even my father opened his mouth in surprise. Mr Johnson said, wow you've got quite an appetite young man. Quite voracious I must say. Well there's more than enough.

See I like all these people that have traveled out. They just go there and come back reasoning like oyibo (white). Very different reasoning.

My father my father. I saw their tables stucked with foods of all kind. Anwuru was just coming out. Chicken hot. Rice hot. Soup hot. Everything hot. All sort of Drinks lined up in well arrange manner on the tables too!. Believe me I battled not to let my father down. I tried seriously for like five minutes before I gave into the temptation.

I was offered food. I requested for jollof rice and white rice with pepperstew on the side with dry fish and chicken. It was a amazing visit to food paradise!. I wish I knew about org*sm then. I was having a Culinarigasm. All those kind of meals that can make you lose home training in public. Unfortunately the home training part of my brain was full of saw dust to begin with.

I scattered the beef in milliseconds. Went to the chicken with equal vigour not minding the thunder I saw written all over my father's face. Now you must all remember that early 90s the native fowl was the chicken in vogue. Very hard bones.

I cleared the flesh of the chicken and proceeded to chiew the bones. 'Kra kra kraaaakpaaa'. The thing sounded like knockout. Everyone stopped and turned towards the sound. Mrs Johnson squealed again in delight. You're chewing for calcium. Smart boy. I looked at her with one eye. Ezz this woman okay? Oyibo (white) land has affect her so much. Calcium fire (my a*ss) NNE I was chewing the way me and my mum scatter the thing at home.

The one that demolished the full table was when we were served peppersoup with kayan chiki(stomach contents like intestines etc etc). The aroma was heavenly. I just wanted this night to never end. I ate the soup with relish and the assortment of meat in it. When I got to the shaki I realized it was too strong. I couldn't even chew. So I held one end with my teeth and I drew the other end with my hand.

Village people took over from there. The meat slipped from my fingers and returned to my face with full force like a catapult 'pawaaaiiiii'. The soup splattered into my eye. I screamed and kicked the table. My chair lost balance. I fell backwards with my plate of soup. Oh dear I did get a hell of soup shower. I couldn't see nada. Pepper was in my eyes so I was screaming...wailing I mean.

I was crying for two reasons. The first was the pepper. I mean the Johnsons were from Yoruba tribe. A well know legit and extreme pepper lovers tribe in Nigeria. The Pepper this tribe put in their food can change somebody's destiny. ( sense of reasoning) Freaking hot in my eye. Second reason was the future whooping my dad was going to give me at home I wailed.

Mrs Johnson God bless her, was wonderful. She had my face washed. Did her best with my tuxedo. Then gave me another plate of pepper soup without shaki and a bottle of 7up. All the while my Dad just acted like I was not his child. Me I kukuma (quickly) finished the whole thing despite my red eye and burning sinuses.

Then it was time to go. I was a celebrity already. My father was just smiling his fake smile. We bid our host goodbye and the ever wonderful Mrs Johnson gave me a peck. God...I was in love!. Pay a us a visit sometime soon, Mr Johnson said. My Dad nodded. I eyed my father. This man that I know? This was the end I was very sure.

Inside the cab my Dad didn't say anything. We rode in silence. Then I heard something in my stomach. 'Kpululululu kprrrrrriiiiii'. Ah na sh*t like this o. FAK! Daddy I want to po0poo. My Dad looked at me like 'try am make you see' (you're not serious). I sucked the thing back in. It came again 'krum krum kruuuuuuuu'. I held it but i couldn't hold the fart escorting it. 'Fiiiiiiaaaaunnn' the thing came out like tear gas. The smell was horrendous.

Oga make I find somewhere stop make the boy sh*t , the driver enquired. My Dad shook his head. I dropped two more nerve wrecking farts 'siiiiiiuuuuuu' and 'vuuuuiiiiii'. The Cab driver had to put his head outside the window. Immediately the cab reached our house and pulled over I jumped out with full speed. I barely made it into the toilet.

'Kpuduumm, kpidimm, kpraaaaa, kprooooo, dum, dum, friiiiiiiiiiiii'. My people I shat everything out. My r*ctum was on fire courtesy of pepper consumed. My intestine almost joined. When i came out I was sweating. As I entered our parlour I received a slap straight outta hell toooozaaaaa by my Dad. I blacked out.

I was too young to remember what happened next. Let's just say after my blackout, I was asked to kneel down and raise my hands till dawn I received sense. I received two extra reformative slaps on the duty ( while serving tge punishment). My father did me shege sha. When I woke up on my bed the next day, I realised that I slept when I was kneeling down as my Dad was watching NTA night was. He had to carry me to my bedroom as was I sleeping. I couldn't lift my hands for days because of the punishment thou