My bf is acting like im a strange one for saying she doesnt need us to go round with alcohol chatting sh*t to her at what is probably the busiest n most stressful period of her life.bearing in mind that I have been there myself...

That's a tough question tbh. You have done the best thing by saying you will be there should they need you.
This question genuinely has me flummoxed!

Most ppl wont really say hey, I need you/ your support so basically kinda feel out if you think they might need you. Sometimes just being there doing little mundane things is better than being there trying to pretend a death didnt happen or overly expressing sympathy etc.

Thats just me tho. Im not very well socialized with death and having to comfort ppl, so I just do what feels most natural given the circumstance.

As with anything in life, you have your experiences but different people handle things differently.
So feeling for whether company is needed is also about feeling for what kind of company is needed.

Me, I generally just stay out the way of anything at all, which I know has been disappointing for some but I figure it the lesser of evils, and easier to accept than upsetting someone.

It's hard to say without knowing the people involved or the timeline. How long has it been since the person died and has the funeral already been held, if you don't mind me asking? You could simply offer your condolences at the funeral(if it's still to come and you can attend) and just gently suggest that you will call or pay a visit to see how they are sometime if that's OK with them and see what they say to that. If the funeral has already been held, I'd maybe wait a week or so and then just call them up and say hi, how are you? Hope you don't mind me ringing, etc, just wondered if there's anything you need, you know the sort of thing(you women are generally much better at this talking to people about their emotions and stuff then us blokes are). Maybe even drop in on them out of blue and say you just happened to be passing by and thought you'd call in to see how they are, maybe take some flowers, or a cake and I bet you'd be sat having a right old natter over a cup of tea/coffee in no time at all.

I doubt they'd mind at all and what's the worst that could happen? They might not be in when you called(in which case leave a note/flowers/cake so they know you'd been), or they're too busy. Either way they'd know and then they'd probably call you.

It has been a couple of weeks since he died,he was ill for a long time,bless him.the funeral is in two weeks time and we will go.but I think we will pop by to see her this week and play it by ear.i feel as if it is after the funeral that people need to make an effort to stay in touch.beforehand is the right time to offer help and support

I think I over think things,especially when i have my own memories.but other people are very different to me,im really conscious of this and i dont want to get it wrong.my other half is an under thinker,in my opinion lol.it never really occurs to him that he might be inconveniencing or irritating anyone

Yeah, just play it by ear. I'm sure she won't mind and will just appreciate the support of a friend.

Yes mostly definitely ppl need someone after the funeral, that's when it really hits the most n its final, send her a text n keep in contact til she reaches out n let's u know shes up for a visit, my best friend lost her man in December, I sent her flowers n a card, unfortunately I couldn't make the funeral, u rarely hear of TB these days but that's what killed him, my friend now has it n on a 6 months course of antibiotics, I can't go near her til shes got the all clear, it's hard isnt it trying to do what u think is best for the poor soul grieving, I'm sure whatever u do she will appreciate it n be very grateful