A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late! While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up,
brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once
again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But
please don't shove me either!

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it
a poem, they give him 50. The second boy says, That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give
him 100. The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a
few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight
people to collect all the money!

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: They couldn't get a baby
sitter.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy
father and thy mother, she asked Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? Without missing a beat one little boy answered, Thou shall not kill.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny, what is the matter? Little Johnny replied, I have pain in
my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff? The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law? He said, Call for backup.

Oubaas: So by my koolkop my nartjiepit, ek lees nou net hulle het die plek gekry waar vrouens vandaan kom. Hilda: Rerig Oubaas? Waar is dit? Oubaas: Fattis en Monis.

Die platgeslane Oubaas is heavy depressed en besluit om sy berader te gaan sien. Oubaas: Ek wil van Hilda skei. Berader: Hoekom broer? Oubaas: Sy het seker 'n jaar laas met my gepraat. Berader: Jy moet tweekeer dink. Sulke vrouens is dem skaars.

A tired Oubaas came home from work one evening and there was his wife Hilda in the kitchen crying out loud. What's the matter, darling? Oubaas asked her. I just don't know what to do, said Hilda. Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it. Don't worry, said Oubaas, I'll get us another dog.

Een jaar is Oubaas en Hilda op 'n sakevakansie oorsee en kry email van hul prokureur wat lees: Skoonma, oorlede. Ons wag vir u instruksies. Oubaas antwoord terug: Ek het geen instruksies nie. Prokureur antwoord: Ek bedoel moet ons haar begrawe, veras of balsem? Oubaas antwoord: Moenie kanse waag nie, doen al drie!

Oubaas en Hilda toer in die woestyn. Hul 4X4 gee die gees. Oubaas het 'n radio by hom. Oubaas se: My patatskil hul se dit gaan vandag 45 grade hier in die koelte wees. Hilda: Genade, Oubaas, maar dis darem baie warm! Gelukkig is hier nie bome nie!

'n Padda is 'n ding wat spring . . . . .

An American woman found a tiny frog nestled comfortably in the leaves of organic lettuce she was preparing to eat. Intrigued, she named the frog Curious. Brechbuhler, a stage actress, said she bought the lettuce at her local food co-op and kept it in the refrigerator three days before using it last week. Brechbuhler and her seven-year-old daughter, Orla, placed the frog in a jar on a bed of lettuce leaves and water. They decided Curious would be happier at an animal facility specialising in reptiles and amphibians. The facility, Sean Casey Animal Rescue, has put it up for adoption.

kwaak kwaak kwaak

Gatiep and Karools are sitting on death row. Gatiep says to the Warder, does this take long and is it painfull? Warder say's no they just strap you in and flick the switch and its over.

Karools is called in, moments later Gatiep hears screeming shouting and this carries on for quite a while.

Gatiep says to the Warder I thought you said it was quick and painless.

Warder replies that as result of the load shedding they have to use candles.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:

Before marriage and after marriage.

An old man goes to the Pope to ask him if he can

remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me

the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation,

I now pro nounce you man and wife.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. Give me one last request, dear, he said. Of course, John, his wife said softly. Six months after I die, he said, I want you to marry Bob. But I thought you hated Bob, she said. With his last breath John said, I do!

NOTICE FROM EISHKOM:

In a drive to save on electricity consumption, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off till further notice.

Kindly postpone all hopes and dreams...

We apologize for any inconvenience caused.

Kind regards,
Eskom Management