Husband climbs into bed naked. Wife: I have a headache Husband: Perfect I’ve powdered my di*k with asprin. Would you like to take it orally or as an injection?

Tummy Trouble: A little boy walks into his parent’s room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mom quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her. “What were you and dad doing?” the boy asks his mom. “Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it,” she explains. “You’re wasting your time,” says the boy, “when you go shopping the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it right back up”.

Boyfriends are appetizers - taste good at anytime. Skelmpies are Nando’s - Hot & Spicy. Husbands are 2 minute noodles - eaten when there’s nothing else.

If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.

I was born intelligent - education ruined me.

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

'Your future depends on your dreams' So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning

'Hard work never killed anybody' But why take the risk

'Work fascinates me' I can look at it for hours