Paddys wife goes 2 doctor saying that after 10 yrs shes never ed. The Doc says relax & use a fan 2 keep cool durin s*x. Paddy refused 2 pay 4 a fan & asks his mate to wave a towel while they made love, but still she didnt . Nxt day she asks Paddy to swap over & so paddys mate made love 2 her & after 20 mins o the best mind blowing s*x she'd ever had, she s. Paddy looks @ his mate and said & that, my son, is how 2 flap a ing towel.

A girl talks her boyfriend into tryin a new drink.
She orders a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys Irish Cream and a shot of lime juice.
First u put a bit of salt on ur tongue, then u drink the shot of Baileys (mmm, smooth, rich and very nice he thinks)
Finally he drinks the lime juice and in 1sec the sharp lime hits his taste buds,at 2secs the Baileys curdles, at 3secs the salty curdled taste turns into mucous and finally at 4secs it triggers his gag reflex but being manly he swa11ows the foul tastin drink. What the hell was that called?
She smiles sweetly at him and grins...' REVENGE'!

2 married men are out drinkin 1 says i can never sneak into my house after ive been out no matter how quiet i am my wife still wakes & nags me his friend replies do what i do slam the front door stamp up the stairs jump into bed slap her a*se & say how about a bet shes in sleepin then

Selling biscuits for 27p thats asda price... Selling toys for 99p thats fisher price... Selling pathetic rape stories to the press... Thats katie price !

Imagine if all retailers started making their own condoms & kept their own name...

Tesco Condoms, Every Little helps.

Nike Condoms, Just Do It.

Peugeot Condoms, The Ride Of Your Life.

KFC Condoms, Finger l*cking Good.

Duracell Condoms, Just Keep Going & Going & Going.

Pringles Condoms, Once You Pop You Can't Stop.

Burger King Condoms, Home Of The Whopper.

Andrex Condoms, Soft Strong & Very Long.

Mcdonald's Condoms, I'm Loving it.

Polo Condoms, The One With The Hole.. OH !

Paddy's getting mugged by 4 blokes & he puts up a great fight, but in the end, 3 of them hold him down & the 4th goes through his pockets. All he had was 40p. The muggers said you put up that fight for just 40p - why did you bother? Paddy said I taut you was afta the 500 I've got hidden in me shoe.

Recession beater: Wife says 2 husband,if u cycle 2 work we cud get rid of the 2nd car Husband replies,if u took it up the a*se we cud get rid of the nanny!

Postman is retiring & on his last round, he gets a bottle from one house, cigars from the next, the third house mrs jones is waiting n her nightdress! She drags him upstairs makes mad passionate love to him then brings him down for a huge fry up. The postman sees a fiver under his cup & asks what's this. Woman explains, we were talking about what to get u & my husband said him, give him a fiver! The breakfast was my idea!

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: this is the pig i have to when you're not up for s*x. His wife says: I think you'll find that's a sheep. He says: I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep

Paddy dies an goes 2 hell, devil shows him 3 doors, pick 1 where u'll spend eternity, Paddy looks b'hind 1st door. Boilin water was dripping in from the ceiling, 2nd door has hot coals on the floor 2 walk on, 3rd door, an old man was gettin a from busty naked blond. i'll take door 3says Paddy, devil taps blonde on shoulder, u can go now, Paddy's takin over!

Young bloke pulls older woman at club.She's 61 but looks v good 4 her age. On way bak 2 her house bloke is thinking mmm I bet her daughter is hot. When out of th blue she asks if he'd like a Sportsman's Double? Wats that? he asks. Its a Mother & daughter she says. WOW YES PLEASE So as they go in her front door, she puts hall light on & shouts..... Mum are u still awake?

Finally there is proof that a dog is a mans best friend . Put your wife and dog in the boot of your car, leave them for a couple of hours and see who looks the happiest to see you !

A dad on his way home wants to buy his daughter a barbie. He stops at a toy store and noticed that there was a shopping barbie, a beach barbie, disco barbie which were all 19 95 but a divorce barbie was 265 65.why is this one more?asks the man. The salesman answersthats because divorce barbie comes with ken's car, ken's house, ken's boat, ken's computer, ken's furniture and one of ken's in' friends!

Researchers have discovered that excessive can cause dyslexia. Hwoeevr, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

Girls reaction to sizes-
9 oh s**t pain
8 b gentle
7 oh yes
6 perfect
5 ok,it wil do
4 push more
3 is it in
2 just use ur in tongue!

A little boy is stood on a clifftop looking down at the sea & crying his eyes out.A priest approaches and says 'My child, y r u crying?Little boy says My mummy & daddys car rolled over the cliff with them in it & smashed on the rocks below.'' The priest slowly looks around him while undoing his flies & says ''Just not ur day is it son?''

Irishman, aussie and glaswegian in a bar spot Jesus sat on his own. They each send him a drink and Jesus sups each pint slowly. When he's finished he walks over 2the irishman, shakes his hand and thanks him 4the guiness. Blimey sez the irishman, my arthritis has gone. Jesus then thanx the aussie 4the fosters. Crikey he sez. My bad backs cured. Jesus approaches the glaswegian who runs away screaming OFF. I'M ON DISABILITY BENEFIT!!!

Couple at the zoo,passing the gorilla cage the silverback became excited by the woman in her mini skirt n tight tube.Hubby says 'go on tease him!' she rubs her t*ts,runs her hands up her legs 2 her crutch,suks on her finger driving the gorilla wild.The hubby takes her hand,opens the cage door.pushes her in and says, 'Now tell HIM u got a in headache!'

In a recent survey into s, and why men like them so much, 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just like the ing silence.

A new womans vibrator is on the market, its so realistic that just b4 she reaches climax, it coughs,farts,goes limp, then switches off!