I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the s**t at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! Oh let's just go home. WE'RE ING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW IN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village- ing-idiot!

hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes Nooo, I don't like that one! Yeah well it's just the same as all the others! Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!

[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

Why are we still embarrased about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrased are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!

[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-? WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY ING SAID! I hate them lovers! They say stuff like Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday. I don't know! How the does tuesday feel?

They're like It's half past five but it only feels like twelve, ing hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

Who are them blokes, the jockeys? Who are they, three foot high ing hobbits in a pimps outift!

People say why do we kill so many cows, well they're *cr*p!* They have no survival instincts whatsoever! You stand next to any fence in the country and a cow'll walk towards you going Is it my time yet? I don't mind, just shoot me! They're dumb animals, otherwise they'd learn to s**t without it hitting the back of their legs! They'd swing it out at least! All dumb animals soil themselves! Sheep! Sheep are the same, but they do it for a reason! They're like that

Make a jumper outta me, will ya! I don't think so! But cows, ah, they haven't even got any camoflauge! They're black and white, and where do they choose to stand? IN A GREEN FIELD! They can't even run away properly, you chase a cow across a field and they run away like an old drunk!
[staggers around]

They're like frozen goalkeepers! They killed it just as it was about to save the ball!

Lee Evans: What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well they're ing mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some blokes covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in they're like that Grrr, GAAAH ING
[imitates chopping motions]

soon as you walk in they're like Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye! You ever seen them unloading the delivery van - the freezer lorry - they get out a side of cow. Where's the *other* side? Is there like a cow still grazing in a field with a ing side missing? And the frozen pigs, they're always in that position, have you noticed?
[imitates position]

I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? Where's me salad! What you trying do kill me?

LMA0! Love Em All.. They're BRILL! He's S0oo Funny! ..M0RE! M0RE!!