SUDOKU puzzles make great painting-by-numbers gifts for aspiring Cubists

DON'T WASTE TIME shaving peaches, simply purchase nectarines instead.

PERVS.. will not make you go blind, but it will get you kicked off the bus.

PUTTING oven gloves over the cat like a saddle makes ideal storage/ transportation for remote control/ beer bottles.

COMBAT Big Brother withdrawal symptoms by paying for CCTV tapes from a mental home.

MUMS. Fruit Pastilles are 25% fruit juice. Ensure your kids get their 5-a-day by giving them twenty packets daily

HAUNTED HOUSE? A large cut-out of PacMan makes an ideal 'scarecrow' for ghosts

AMERICANS. Don't get so upset about some hicks burning copies of Kerrang! Its a rubbish magazine anyway

The easiest way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it

ur to old to entertain me further!

POTATOES wrapped in tin-foil and kept in a cupboard become a welcome consolation if your house burns down

GEORGE MICHAEL. Stop people recognising you in prison by growing thick stubble and wearing dark glasses at all times

A FRAMED photo of yourself brushing your hair or having a shave saves the expense of costly mirrors in the bathroom

SHOPLIFTERS get your kicks on the 'net by putting items into your shopping basket on Amazon and then leaving without paying

NEVER moon a werewolf!!

Hi there, Lewis Martin here, ace consumer expert and top financial guru, you mayve seen me on daytime TV or heard my popular slot on Radio 2 and I'm here on Prodigits to help you make the most of your money.



At the moment the question that Im asked most is Where can I invest my money now that interest rates have fallen to record low levels making Building Society and Bank savings schemes as worthless as hiding your cash under the mattress? well my answer to that question, which may be a surprise to some people, is one word, Africa.



Yes, thanks to the internet, the African investment sector has really taken off in recent years and I would have to recommend putting your cash into any of the numerous schemes that can be found in your e-mails in tray, although sometimes these gems can be hidden in your junk folder as they are often removed by overzealous spam filters.



For instance, only yesterday, I received correspondence from a Doctor Godswill Ebola, pointing out to me a fantastic investment opportunity, that I have to concede I didnt fully understand but it involved millions of dollars which needed to be released from a UN fund set up by the deposed leader of the Nigerian army, the perfect example of a low risk, high yield investment.



Ive forwarded all my bank details to the good doctor and will let you know how I get on, always remember the famous dictum, if something sounds too good to be true then seize it as quick as you can before someone else does.



Of course making your money go further is not all about saving but also about minimizing your spending, and this is what Ill be discussing next time.



Anyway thats enough of my top tips for now, remember pinch those pennies and the pounds will pile up.

Lmao keep em coming xx