Cotton wool ba11s, possibly the worst medical complaint I've ever had

Last night I got as as a pancake, which is what happens when you mix your metaphors.

I've been asked to run the London Marathon, had to say no as I've no experience of organizing something that big.

have to be the most arrogant of s*x aids, stuck up c***s

Jockeys - always getting on their high horse...

impressionists! What are they like?

Croupiers! What's the deal with them?

Amnesiacs! Who the do they think they are?

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but not when you're on a blind date with a stutterer.

great topic!

I've done nothing all morning except make jokes about the head of the Catholic Church, Simon Cowell should put me on Pope Idle.

Went into a shop and said I'd like to buy a medieval instrument, the assistant replied Lyre?, I said No, I'm telling the truth!

I hate bunting, whoever invented it wants stringing up.

My sister bought me a calculator in the shape of Warwick castle, it's a bit s**t but its tha fort that counts. :)

I've invented a medicine called Milk of Amnesia, it cures constipation and makes you forget all about s**tting yourself

I've made a film about a lorry driver who decorates his truck, it's a bit rubbish but the trailer looks fantastic.

Nurse told me that the biggest problem facing the NHS in the 21 century is Holby City!! ....or she might have said obesity...it was hard to tell, she was eating cake at the time