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@cptpants | |
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I seem to have this hbit of waking up in the middle of the night for a pee....so i go do my business,..go back to bed...just drop off,..then 5 mins later my poo realise ''Hey...did you just go to the bathroom?....we missed it'' so back to the bathroom I go! I wish they would syncronise their watches a bit better |
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@cptpants | 14 September 10 |
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I'm thinking of patenting a new wii game Wii Whacker you take the remote and do the waanky action, and you have to get your virtual self off before ur pixelated parents/friends/roommates get back to the house and bust you! There will also be a speed arcade version, and an online multi-player bukake contest. for once a man will feel like a winner when he comes first
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@cptpants | 14 September 10 |
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Did you ever wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if it wasn't full of sponges?
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@cptpants | 15 September 10 |
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We shouldn't allow EU metrification to ruin English sayings cos if we give them 25.4mm theyll take 1.61km.
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@cptpants | 22 September 10 |
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Who says vegetables are good for you? Today I stabbed myself in the eye with a cucumber.
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@mztiklz | 26 September 10 |
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Lmao u make my ramble pale by comparison 
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@cptpants | 5 October 10 |
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I asked my anesthetist friend if I could borrow his bottle of Ether, he said Sure, knock yourself out.
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@cptpants | 5 October 10 |
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After waiting two months, they finally delivered my copy of Clocks Through the Ages. It's about time!
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@cptpants | 5 October 10 |
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I used to get the shakes when I . Doctor said it was just semantics
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@cptpants | 5 October 10 |
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I'm planning to write jokes about prime numbers. I've already thought of two or three
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@cptpants | 5 October 10 |
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I thought taking the shell off of a snail would make it go faster. Turned out it just made it more sluggish.
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@cptpants | 5 October 10 |
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All day i been wondering why my ba11s itched so much...Then i go to drop a duece and realise a feather from my pillow was stuck in my gouch, and has been poking me in the spudsack all day..
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@cptpants | 10 October 10 |
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Apparrently 1 in 5 people in the world are now Chinese. Well theres 5 in my family, so it must be either my mum or dad, my elder sister jules, or my younger sister Ho-Chai-Xing.....But i think its jules.
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@cptpants | 10 October 10 |
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was in mcdonalds yesterday and really needed to pass some gas...there was people everywhere so didnt wanna get up and risk losing my seat...so instead i thought id time it with the loud music that was coming out the speakers, so that no one would notice. After a couple of songs i was feeling a lot better, i was just about to finish my drink when i noticed everyone was looking at me.......it was about this time that i realised i was listening to my ipod
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@mztiklz | 16 October 10 |
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@cptpants | 28 October 10 |
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yesterday someone compared me to Hitler!....i did that coming!
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@cptpants | 28 October 10 |
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you would think my girlfriend in Grand Theft Auto 4 would realise something was up when i pick her up for our date in a police car thats riddled with bullet holes, has no tyres and blood all over the front windscreen......but nope....didnt say a thing! I need a woman like that in real life.
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@cptpants | 28 October 10 |
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last sa ay i organised my first 3some!........there were a couple of no shows, but it was still a good night.
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