dont know why but tis popped into my mind the other day, i was intreaged by what people call it when men pleasure themselves or rather crudely(choking ones chicken) lol and i came up with these interesting phrases:

Buffing the Banana
Holding Your Sausage Hostage
Jackin' the Beanstalk
Rounding up the Tadpoles
Slap Boxing the One-Eyed Champ
Spank the Frank
Applying the hand brake
Attacking the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
Auditioning the finger puppets
Beef-stroke-it-off
Boxing the bald champ
Charming the snake
Checking for testicular cancer
Choking Kojak
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Straddle your paddle
Taking matters into your own hands
Teasing the weasel
T the pump
Tickling the pickle
etc etc

If the correct equipment is present, then and only then shall this act be carried out.
One must then wrap the five fingers around the phallus and then a motion similar to playing a violin played with a horsehair bow should